He wants to see the water lilies in bloom. That much I learned during the latest trip to Wales to see my Dad, who is not well. Most days he painfully reaches down to pull on his shoes so that he can slip out the side door and round to the new pond - only finished this summer - in hope. Other days he does not leave the house at all except to see the doctor. Yet last summer he was climbing mountains. Now he struggles to climb the stairs. How fast things can change.
The mornings are the worst. He has to take the anti nausea pills first, or he can't keep his breakfast down. So he has to eat before he can take his painkillers. How miserable is that? The chest of drawers by his bed once displayed ornaments and photos. Now it has packets and packets of pills all neatly lined up in formation, like soldiers ready for battle.
We were here less than two months ago, but this visit is completely different. Half made plans to take Angel shopping to celebrate her exam success were abandoned. There were no lunches out. The whole extended family did visit some local gardens, but he stayed for less than an hour, and even that was hard for him.
My role this weekend has evolved from daughter to carer. None of the family now like leaving him home alone, and I was afraid to have the radio on, or even wash my hair in case he called while I was in the shower.
He is pale, but hopefully that is due to lack of sunshine and anaemia. And maybe the sleepiness is caused by all the pills. He struggles with the pain, but his brain is a sharp as ever - he's still doing bits of work - his eyes twinkle when he smiles, and there's no trace of a quiver in his voice. At 81, he's not an old man. But it breaks my heart to see the pain that even simple tasks can cause him. Like putting on his shoes. I want to make everything right, but I can't. All I can do is chat and cook and clear and comfort and just be there. Except I can't be there that much....but my brothers can ...
Radiotherapy is due to start next week, and I'm so hoping that it will give him some respite.
Radiotherapy is due to start next week, and I'm so hoping that it will give him some respite.
And I'm really really hoping that the water lilies bloom soon.
NB: I have his permission to publish this post.