I really need new curtains!
The fire is lighting and the baubles are gleaming on the tree as I write this just one week after my Dad's funeral.  And in a few minutes the Harry Potter DVD that I bought earlier today will be unwrapped and we'll escape to Hogwarts, Angel and I.  Christmas is coming and I have to rebuild for my kids.

The sadness still clutches me every day, but the awful stress and pain of knowing that he was going to die and feeling so helpless, that is gone. 

He always believed in being positive, and so I am looking forward even as I miss him.

In many ways my children's lives have been on hold.  This week I have started to catch up with all the things that haven't been done.  Keeping busy is now my drug of choice.

Mail was dealt with, nappies ordered (by Thursday I had just two left...and they don't sell Smiley's size in Tesco) stuff was fixed, thanks to the brother-in-law of one of my lovely friends, windows cleaned, winter fuel bought, the fridge restocked, and I started running again.  I took Smiley to the teen club on Monday and the Rainbow Junior Arch Club on Saturday and began her intensive physiotherapy programme again.  There were two appointments for Smiley and three for aspie boy, including his IEP, which went very well: his class teacher is just as enthusiastic about his potential as I am, and we both agreed on everything including a strategy for secondary school.  I started ringing all the local schools this week, but it appears that he will be near the bottom of the waiting list for those schools that are suitable.  He has become a victim of the Millennium baby boom I fear.

This is just a short update as I am struggling with vertigo which means that reading and typing are difficult, and now the cold air is trying to seep in through the windows and walls of this old house.  Winter is really here...


  1. That is a lovely post and so difficult to write, I don't know how you keep everything together, you are an inspiration! Its been just over a month since my father passed away and although I was with him in the final 7 weeks I still felt helpless. I was happy to be there but it is so difficult at the same time to be strong for everyone and your children. It hits like waves and the slightest thing still sets me off, it is bizarre to think I'll never see him again. But yet like you, I set up a christmas tree today and keep on a happy face for the little ones. Big hugs to you xxx

  2. I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. I won't pretend to understand what you're going through, but I think that you are very brave to be picking yourself up and trying to cope with this loss. Then again, what choice do you have really? I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sending you a big hug for the holidays.

  3. So sorry to hear about your Dad, I can't begin to imagine what you are going through,however it is frigthening to think one day i will. I hope you are really doing as well as your post makes you sound.
    Good news on the IEP, and the fact you are in agreement with the teachers, that must be one relief for you. Enjoy Hogwarts and relax x

  4. You have so much on your plate and just going to bed for a week isn't an option - I admire your strength and positive outlook. You are an absolute inspiration.

  5. You are doing great. Baby steps, sweetie, baby steps.

    I remember a few months after I lost our son, my daughter looked at me and asked why I was so sad all the time. I told her because I missed her brother and she said, "but I'm here" and gave me a kiss on the forehead. That got me like nothing else could and from then on it was like I could let a little bit of sunshine in.

    I'm thinking of you. It's never easy to loose someone so dear to your heart. Never.

    Thinking of you.

  6. A beautifully moving description of grief. Such a difficult time to lose someone but you are doing so well picking yourself up again. Inspiring post x

  7. I'm so sorry for your loss. Stay strong
    Dachshund Nola

  8. Such a positive post at what must be a very difficult time for you. Your strength and dignity is such an inspiration. Thinking of you. Deb xx

  9. Hang in there my friend, it's a tough time of year even with nothing on your plate. Just do what you can and don't sweat the small stuff. Hugs xxx

  10. ((Hugs))to you my friend. rebuilding whilst remembering with love is the positive way forward.

    So glad some positive news on Aspie Boy and hopefully secondary school choices will sort themselves out. If you have one that you really want or one that clearly comes out as top choice make sure that they 'know you' in person, if you catch my drift;-)

    Nice tree... and presents underneath...already? I'm impressed!

    xx Jazzy

  11. Thank you everyone for all your lovely comments. I'm feeling a bit wonky again so please forgive me if I do not reply individually, but I have read and appreciated all of them xx

  12. I am so sorry I missed your sad news. It was only form your R2BC that I realised something had happened.

    You are a wonderful, lady, pulling it all together for your children.

    Wishing you all the best possible Christmas.

    Mich x